In Defense of Dining Out With Kids

My son has been a restaurant regular since he was a year old. The practice would have started earlier, but he was born at the end of 2020, forcing us to delay a few social milestones. As soon as it felt safe to do so, we made “restaurant training” a priority, starting small with low-stakes visits to coffee shops, then diners; we gradually worked our way up from happy hour to primetime. We diligently researched, seeking out eateries that were known to be kid-friendly but that also had things we wanted. I joke that the criteria are buttered noodles, vegetables, and a decent wine list. Now that he’s four, dining out is one of his favorite things to do. It’s also, I realize, a controversial hobby.

In July, when the New York Times ran a piece on breweries no longer allowing children, it reignited an old debate: Should kids be allowed in gathering spaces that adults enjoy? Or should they be limited to destinations designed specifically for them, with the vague assumption that they will someday, somehow learn how to integrate into polite society?

I’d argue that the latter feels woefully outdated in today’s American cities, reshaped by urban-minded millennials who forfeited our parents’ attached two-car garages in favor of high-density, walkable neighborhoods—walkable to restaurants. Restaurant Times reports that 53% of millennials dine out at least once per week, compared to 43% of the general population, and a National Association of Realtors study shows that a whopping 79% of older millennial households include children. If the largest living generation in the U.S. loves restaurants and has kids, how are we still so divided on the presence of kids in restaurants?

Related: This Adaptable, No-Fuss Dinner Is My Greatest Parenting Triumph

It takes a village

I wonder why the tolerance for kids who yell, fidget and spill their drinks is so much lower than for adults who do those same things. When a full-grown man causes a scene in a restaurant or brewery, the staff simply asks him to leave. But when kids act out, a business will jump to banning families altogether. I won’t presume to understand the economic justification, but I will say in the years I spent working in restaurants, my worst customers were never children.

I believe that parents should be held accountable for our kids’ behavior in public; that’s what we sign up for when we become parents. But we don’t sign up to remove ourselves completely from our community. At the same time, not having children does not automatically remove all children from your lived experience. We’re all in this together, including the kids.

I’m raising my son to be a conscientious member of society—or trying to, at least. There’s only so much I can model at home, in a controlled environment. A restaurant gives us a chance to show him how we treat strangers; how to remain patient and empathetic when things are out of our control. It also gives us a chance to build routines, make memories, and have fun. Whereas eating at home involves one frazzled parent spending long stretches in the kitchen, in a restaurant, our party of three can just chill. It’s quality time that we look forward to, cherish, and budget for. It’s also a practice we’ve worked hard to perfect.

Tips for dining out with kids:

First, know that when it comes to dining out with kids, timing is everything. Start short and sweet with fast-casual eateries. Arrive early to beat the dinner rush and minimize waiting. If things feel shaky, ask for to-go boxes and the check when you place your order, to preemptively plan for a quick escape.

Research. Don’t assume a place will or won’t be family-friendly. If you aren’t sure, call ahead or look it up on Yelp or your preferred delivery app. If there’s a kid’s menu, it will be listed there.

Bring screen-free (or at least quiet) distractions. We keep a “restaurant bag” packed with things like Melissa & Doug Water WOW! Coloring pads, Plus-Plus blocks, and animal figurines.

Establish rules and be prepared to enforce them. Our son knows that if we’re being disruptive or inconsiderate, we will leave. He knows that because we’ve done it.

Encourage autonomy. Allow your little one to order their own food and interact with the servers, if they’d like. This helps to make the experience special and fun.

Try to relax. Remember, this time is for you, too. Yes, a kid-free diner might be judging you. Judge them right back, or ignore them altogether. A parent’s responsibility does not extend to managing others’ expectations or experiences. If the sound of a child’s overzealous voice renders someone unable to enjoy their dinner, that’s on them. If they wanted a specific dining experience, they should have taken the same steps (see above) that you did to ensure it.